Vientiane

For years at Woodside Homes, I corresponded with a colleague who lives in Laos. Bay had worked in the architecture department of a major homebuilder, but when he proposed to his wife, she accepted on the condition that they raise their family in Laos. Bay returned to his childhood home in Laos without knowing what he'd do for a living there, but his old boss suggested that he start a company to provide drafting services remotely. Since then, Bay has been providing great service with a faster turnaround than any American drafting company could compete with. Since his workday is opposite the American workday, he can fulfill any request overnight.

I had often talked to Bay about my dream of taking a long trip through Southeast Asia, and Bay offered to show me around Vientiane if I ever made it to Laos. It's always more fun to visit a new place when you've got a friend in town.

When Bay offered to pick me up at the airport, I was worried that this would be a major inconvenience for him, but it turns out it's only ten minutes outside of town. Vientiane is the capital of Laos, but it's a city of less than a million people. The traffic is much better than even similar-sized cities in Vietnam, but Bay tells me it's getting worse all the time as more people buy cars.

In this part of the country, Laos and Thailand are separated by the Mekong River. Vientiane is as close to Thailand as Detroit is to Canada. There's a night market along the river and most of the hotels and restaurants in town cropped up along this area. There are lots of temples and historic buildings north of this quaint and walkable part of town. There's a great mix of French and Asian architecture.

I had seen boy monks in other countries in Southeast Asia, but they seemed to be the majority in Laos. Bay explained that many rural farm boys with intellectual promise ordain so that they can get an education. They spend their entire childhood in the robes and essentially grow up in monasteries. I'm going to make it a project to meet one of these men and learn about their worldview now that they're adults. I'm curious what proportion of the university-educated population goes down this path.

Parkson Mall

To the west, there are a few impressively modern malls built by Chinese investors. The shopping malls have their stores concentrated to a small area, but I wandered into an off-limits floor of empty storefronts and there was another similar floor above it.

It's always interesting to see this kind of project being built in a socialist country. None of the shoppers had bags, so I wondered how well the mall was really functioning. They've got multinational tenants like Starbucks and Nike, though, so if it's anything like the US, the investments derived from owning the mall are the real product. "High value tenants" are probably enough for those Chinese investors to sell the speculative value of this property. No doubt what Marx intended, right?

There are also some pretty sweet condos being built on top of the mall. The sign with nothing in English except "$10,000 USD" made me stop in my tracks. Turns out that was the down payment, not the price. Still, they're only $95,000 USD and they offer financing.

COPE Museum

Just beyond that modern plaza developed by the Chinese, there's a medical campus for the treatment of landmine victims. They've got everything from doctors who specialize in prosthetics to athletic facilities for amputees. They also have a small museum devoted to banning the use of landmines around the world. They copied Cambodia's skull-stacking approach to showcasing brutality. The artwork is mostly sculptures made out of prosthetic limbs.

Xien Khuan/Buddha Park

Way outside of town there's an art installation built in the 1950's with many Buddhist and Hindu statues. It's very much not a temple, but it uses a lot of the same imagery. Someone smarter about art would be able to put this observation better, but it reminded me of the neo-classical European gardens depicting Greek and Roman gods.

I've found a few local guides on dating apps or just chatting up women out in public, but since they've never left their country, they have no idea what's unique about it. Bay was an incredible host partly because he knows the US experience. He included me in a few family dinners, including on Thanksgiving. They don't celebrate that holiday in Laos, of course, but they happened to have family visiting for the biggest holiday in Vientiane which just happens to coincide with Thanksgiving. When I explained it was an American holiday, there was a round of translation to explain the purpose of the holiday, then everyone shared a toast to Thanksgiving. One of the Aunties told me I was a part of their family this year and I felt it. It's nice to spend holidays with family.

I also got to try some wild food that I never would have known about or experienced if I had been exploring on my own.

Leuad Peng Ped: Raw Duck Blood Pudding

This is unconditionally delicious. The blood is partially coagulated, but it pops in your mouth and you get an explosion of everything that tastes good about meat. I get why people would be hesitant about it, but it's no different than gravy except that it's incredibly fresh. They slaughter and bleed out the ducks that day.

Bay had a great story about buying a duck from a farm when he lived in Arizona so he could make this dish for visiting family. Unfortunately the farm he chose named all of their ducks and started to get really concerned about the fate of this one. They weren't being advertised as pets or anything; those ducks were raised to be slaughtered. I can't help but find it hilarious that this family got so upset when some Asian fella came around looking for blood. Did they think he was going to light candles and draw a pentagram on the floor? Just let the man have his dinner. And quit naming your ducks.

Grilled Duck Head

The entire head is served filleted into two pieces so you can access the inside. Each of the distinct pieces have very different flavors. That kind of variety is common in Asian foods. Americans like every bite to be predictable and similar to the last one. America's favorite cut of chicken is a boneless skinless breast. No part of a chicken has less flavor, but the appeal is the consistency of texture and appearance.

So let's break down a duck head. I've always enjoyed fish eyes, but I know that's a bit unusual. Duck eyes are meatier than fish eyes, but they're not quite as delicate or interesting. Duck brains taste like every other kind of brain. They're a soft and chalky break from the chewiness of other parts of the head. Neck bones are amazing in every animal. They require a lot of gnawing and slurping to eat, but the flavor of meat that close to cartilage and bone is wonderful. And I can't review the most prominent feature of a duck head because Bay picked up the bill. Ba dum tss.

Fertilized Quail Eggs

The chicks are much less developed than the fertilized chicken eggs eaten in the Philippines. It's like a meatier boiled egg. I could see this being appealing in a soup.

Grubs, Grasshoppers, and Crickets

Anything fried to this level tastes the same. It's nothing but fat and protein. I defy anyone to say fried bugs don't taste good.

On a somewhat related note, when I was telling my mom about some of the alternative careers I could see myself exploring at the end of my sabbatical, I mentioned farming because the USDA offers incredible loans and programs for first time farmers. I mentioned that these farm loans aren't just for rural farms—you can grow hydroponic microgreens or cricket protein in a downtown midrise. I forgot how triggering insect proteins are to certain political perspectives, and my mom did not respond to this idea positively. She expressed how awful it is for the new world order to make people eat bugs, so I reassured her that I'd only raise dairy crickets.

Laab Khom: Raw Beef Offal Marinated in Bile

This one was challenging. That name doesn't even sound real. "Beef offal marinated in bile" already sounds like a perfect satirical menu item. If I were in the writer's room, I'd shoot down raw beef offal as gilding the lily. And yet, there it was. A real food. Raw beef offal marinated in bile.

I actually dig beef offal in a stew. Offal isn't any particular part of beef. It's just a mix of unwanted parts of the animal tossed in a bucket while it's being butchered. When it's slow cooked, offal contributes something great to a soup stock or a stew. It's a little too grisly raw, though, so we've got to marinate it in something. Since they're carving up the animal, why not empty the gall bladder and use that for a marinade? Perfect!

I suspect this was first eaten by very hungry people who had nothing around but the chum bucket leftover from slaughtering a cow, but someone put their loving attention into dicing it up and blending it with aromatic herbs. Why they didn't cook it is a mystery, but the meat soaked in the bile doesn't need to be cooked.

One of the uncles who spoke English was astonished that I was eating laab khom sober and explained that it's usually a late night food paired with copious amounts of liquor. It is not customary for laab khom to be eaten by women. When you start putting these details together, the dish makes more sense. It's for fucking with people. I handled my initiation like a champ. I had several helpings and it honestly tasted fine.

Laab Generally

Laab or larb is the name for any minced meat dish mixed with herbs. Usually you make little lettuce wraps out of it and eat it with other leafy green vegetables. It's a wonderful food that I'm going to start cooking for myself at home. I've had several varieties of it in Laos and they're all amazing. I had to close with some foods that sound tasty to normies. There really is quality food here despite my odd sense of a good time.

Sausage

Available all over the world. Probably the perfect food. Nobody whines about beef offal when it's contained to such a friendly and recognizable shape.

Next stop: Vang Vieng. It's a beautiful little backpackers town with caves, mountains, lagoons, and rivers.