Koh Pha Ngan

The ten day silent meditation retreat at Wat Khao Tham has no online registration. Instead, you have to register in person on a first come, first served basis. I decided to get to the island of Koh Pha Ngan a bit early so I could get situated and make a plan to show up as soon as registration begins.

The island is pretty spread out, so I rented a motorbike. There are a few hills with very steep inclines, so I wanted to get something more powerful than their typical scooters. They had a badass Honda CRF 300 enduro bike for a decent price, so I went with that, however the scooters probably would have been fine. All of the newer scooters use continuously variable transmissions (CVT), so they're reasonably capable on a steep hill.

Koh Pha Ngan is an undeniably beautiful tropical island, and I bet it was once a very special place. It's been pretty well ruined by tourism, though. I'll give you a profile of the three major types of people you'll find here: foreign expat nouveau hippies, Russian tourists, and Burmese workers.

The foreign expats are the worst types of "hippies." Everyone has a "free-spirited" and "spiritual" friend whose life is a mess. I'm talking about the types who throw away good opportunities because they've misunderstood abundance, take no action toward attaining their goals because they've misunderstood the law of attraction, and fail to develop any self awareness or maturity because they're constantly fucked up on "mind expanding" drugs. Koh Pha Ngan is an island where they all find one another and live in chaos.

You can't go anywhere in Koh Pha Ngan without seeing flyers for yoni massage, tantric yoga, kambo medicine, or classes to become a certified practitioner of one of those disciplines. Many of the people who lead these groups are predators, and they will always have a steady stream of desperate and confused seekers hoping to find the right mix of drugs and casual sex to heal their pain. These people have no tolerance for the religious context of the ideas they embrace. They enjoy the paradigm of karma and reincarnation but don't want to hear about moksha. They memorize chakras but deny Brahman. It's like they have such a fetish for keeping eastern ideas impenetrable and exotic that they intentionally avoid deeper understanding. Do they fear a repeat of the horrifying moment they felt in Sunday school when they asked a question the pastor couldn't answer? Do they behave this way to protect their fragile new faith?

I usually love old hippies who smoke a little grass, grow vegetables, sing folk songs, and read science fiction. It's only the new generation that annoys me. Yet maybe I'm giving the original hippies too much credit. My dad's stories about SDS at Stanford certainly don't paint a rosy picture. Maybe the intolerable assholes died out and the aging flower children I know are the chill ones.

The Russians on Koh Pha Ngan aren't easy to get to know. There are so many beachfront bars that the hostels don't really bother with common areas for socializing, and Russians aren't famous for their easy-going nature anyway. Southern Thailand has been a hot spot for Russian tourists for a long time, but since the Ukraine war many wealthy young Russians have fled for fear of conscription. In 2022, 40% of residential real estate in Phuket was purchased by Russians. Others are simply signing multiple year leases and subletting at insane rates. It's caused a housing bubble and priced out a lot of Thai people who used to work in the tourist industry.

Since Thais aren't able to afford to live comfortably on the island anymore, nearly all of the workers are Burmese immigrants, many of whom were displaced by Myanmar's civil war. I started wondering about this when I noticed that all of the women wear thanaka. Thanaka is a paste made from bark that's worn as sunscreen in Myanmar. Unlike commercial sunscreen, this sort of smears on and dries like face paint. I think it's sort of pretty now that I know what it is, but I was extremely confused the first few times I saw it and it prompted an investigation.

I'm staying in Haad Rin, which is home to the outrageous Full Moon Party which takes over the town. Thousands of people attend every 28 days and it's supposed to be extremely wild. No thanks. I got a discount because my stay overlaps the Half Moon Party which is not held concurrent with its eponymous lunar phenomenon but rather staggered opposite the Full Moon Party. The Half Moon Party was held on a different part of the island during my stay, so it kept most of the noise and drama away.

Despite the lack of people in Haad Rin, the restaurants and bars along the beach have all conspired to play their music as loudly as possible. It's utterly depressing to walk past a row of empty bars blaring music at deafening club volume. Do they expect to get a swarm of people? Why not just match the music to the vibe? They've made it impossible to have a chill walk down the beach and listen to the ocean. One night in Malaga, Spain I was walking around with a friend I had made in an AA meeting and we ended up on the beach. I announced how beautiful it was and she told me "If you're traveling all over Southeast Asia, you're going to see some much nicer beaches than this." Haad Rin is indeed a prettier beach, but I just couldn't enjoy it the same way.

Next stop: Wat Khao Tham. The monastery is on Koh Pha Ngan but it really deserves its own post.